This post has been in my "drafts" since the day I started this blog. I kept thinking I would have more to say. . . .come to some sort of conclusion. . . or at least add some pretty images. I will not. I will just leave it here and move on. I have been an orphan for 30 years, so I should be used to it by now, right?
-------- I don't want to talk about my daughter. Or my mother. This. . . . this is me sitting here staring at the cursor. . . The feeling that I get tells me that I need to write this post. Not because you need to know. Not because I need to share. Just because the good stuff is on the other side, so let's get this one out of the way and move on. I'll try to keep it to the Reader's Digest version. My mom hated me before I was born. I have never quite understood why. . .maybe something to do with how she felt about my dad. I just know that she didn't want to bring me home from the hospital. . .and it was all kind of downhill from there. I was never good enough. I am way too out-loud for someone like my mother to understand. Now, don't get me wrong. There were good moments along the way, but mostly the relationship was always strained. She finally kicked me (and my older sister) out of the house when I was 12. What happened after that is another series of posts. . . Cut to age 14. I was in an orphanage-type place. I was assigned Janice, a "volunteer" who took me on various outings. This was basically a generic Big Brothers Big Sisters program. My "Big Sis" moved away within the first year, but we have always remained close. I have known her longer than any other person in my life except my sister. This experience made my becoming a Big Sister a foregone conclusion. I always knew I wanted to help some young girl the way that Janice had helped me. It took a while before my life was in the right place for making long term commitments to kids. I was matched with my first Little in 2007. It was a short-lived match, due to her family moving out of state. Finally in 2009 I was matched with Judd. I had been Judd's Big Sister for just over a year when she asked me to adopt her. (look for future posts on the whole story). Judd moved in with me in 2010 and the adoption was final in 2011. At the age of thirty-seven, I became a mother. Things went more or less, or less, as you would expect over the course of the next few years. Last Spring when Judd turned 18, our relationship took a turn south. She thought she was an adult now and wouldn't need to follow rules, do chores, be respectful, etc. One fateful night in May of 2015 I lost my cool and yelled at her. Yes, I yelled and cussed and had a meltdown of sorts. Judd got pissed off and moved out. Her right at 18. (never mind that she had no way to provide for herself. . .and she still had a year of school to finish). Since she was an adult, there was nothing I could do to make her come home. She acted very ugly, working hard to divide as many relationships as she could. As I had learned years ago in therapy, Judd had learned to triangulate in her relationships as a survival skill to some of the horror she went through as a young child. And triangulate she did. It was ugly. Imagine my surprise, shock and horror when my mother, of all people, got all indignant and judgmental on me. The nerve. This woman has no idea how to raise 18 year old girls. My sister had been a few weeks past 16 when my mom kicked us out. How dare my mother stand in judgement on me? How. Dare. She. I won't bore you with the details of my so-called mother's behavior in the last year. Let me just say that she has done everything in her power to make this past year as difficult for me as she could. We haven't spoken in over a year. When I meet new people I say my mom is dead. It's just easier. It feels like I lost my mom and my daughter. Then I start to wonder, did I ever really have either one of them? My mom never mothered me growing up. We had probably become closer over the last few years than at any point that I can remember. From 2011 - 2013 I lived within 4 hours of her for the first time since age 12, so we naturally spent more time together during this time. We did mother/daughter type things. She watched my kids when I traveled. I helped her clean out her closets and purger her house when she decided to sell. We had difficult conversations. Now I wonder if that time was a gift to help me get closer on all of my mommy issues.
0 Comments
It's been just over a week since I started my bujo (bullet journal). I am happy to say that I am busy learning about my behaviors and pushing my self to the next level in my goals and actions. With any new discovery/project, I tend to be a kid-in-a-candy-store. I see 1000 new ideas, and suddenly everything must change to accommodate said fabulousness. This time, however, the discovery itself is about consistency and self awareness. Miracle MorningI stumbled across the Miracle Morning concept in some of my trolling around the bujo blog sites. What a simple concept. I will leave the in depth explaining to the author/founder Hal Elrod. Here are the basics. If this is something that sparks your interest, I highly recommend going to the original source for instructions. First, use the awesome downloads that he GIVES you. The main component of this is the Level 10 Life material. Designed to help explore where you are now, where you want to go, and what is standing in your way (SPOILER ALERT: YOU are what is standing in your way); this exercise should not be skipped or rushed over. Every. Morning. Take. Time. Life S.A.V.E.R.S.
What would you do if you were focused and committed to inventing a life you love? Is there a dream you are ready to start living? Do you need to assess first and define your dream? GREAT. Start there. And move the needle. Where are you headed? Please comment and share your goals and adventure. I am on a freight train of FUCK YEAH. That's right. A freight train of fuck yeah. Just try to stop me. I have had enough of living anything less than my best. Let the BadAssery commence. (stay tuned for a post on my other new find: You Are a Badass). I will be posting updates on both my Miracle Mornings, as well as Badassery in general. Go forth and create/discover the life of your wildest dreams. Was it really just last Wednesday that I was posting about my EC Life Planner and related transitions? Well, I have now jumped in to Bullet Journaling with both feet! I discovered Midori (traveler's) notebooks. It is truly a match made in heaven. I made this case/cover for my notebooks. The inside is fabric, which I sewed and embroidered to meet my needs and make it pretty. I made the outside out of leather. So far, it just has a simple tie on the outside. I decided to hang out with it for a few days before I trim the edges and make the final fastener. I am not sure if I will go for the natural look or hemmed lines on the leather. I have four notebooks inside:
I have joined a couple of challenges already. Check out #PlanWithMeChallenge and #RockYourHandwriting on IG. I look forward to sharing this adventure. I will post a full detail of my July spread as soon as it is fully developed.
Happy Planning, Am I the only one that has a love/hate relationship with my planner? I bought my first Erin Condren Planner for 2014-15. A perusal through the months will show that some months I vigorously planned, tracked, decorated, and generally used my planner; while other months will go by with nary a doodle being added, as if the planner were lost in my backseat for a month (hey, it happens!). Earlier this year I read Sarah Centrella's Hustle Believe Receive. Wow! What a great book. She got me back on the wagon with my productivity in a big way! I highly recommend this book for anyone who isn't content to stay where they are in life. She will poke and prod you into action! I have toyed with various ways to use my planner. I pretty much always track my workouts. Sometimes with cute little custom stickers. . .and sometimes with a simple note. The monthly pages are great for an overall schedule, but what about the countless tasks that need to be done in a given week or month? They are not appointments. They do not need to be done on a certain day or at a certain time. I know myself well enough to know that I cannot schedule down to the minute, or even the day when tasks need to be completed. I will miss one, and then either resent the list and lose all track of progress. . .or beat myself up and lose all track of progress. So, scheduling is out, but things still need to be done. Progress must be made. The solution? Bullet Journaling. I resisted bullet journals when I first saw the concept. I really like my pretty Erin Condren Planner, and my stickers and colorful pens. All of the bullet journals I had seen were very "brass tacks". How could I integrate this strategy and still color outside the lines? Enter the Monthly Hustle list. I use the lined page just before the monthly layout. The idea is to list out all of the things I need/want to accomplish in the coming month. This month I started breaking it out by category (side hustle, declutter, blog, wellness, Norwex, & square dancing). I am sure categories will get added over time. As I am typing this, I realize that I need a garden category. . . and maybe one for routine cleaning, ugh. Some of these items simple get checked off/filled in as I accomplish them. Others get transferred to the weekly view. The "notes" section has become my "Win the Week" section. This is where I list out the important things from my #theHustle list and add action steps for the week. I still flip back to my #theHustle list for most things. This is just one more layer for breaking it down into actionable steps. These strategies help me move forward towards my goals. Some months I am better at them than others, but I am learning to be gentle and keep moving forward. How do you get your #theHustle on? Please share any strategies that help you. Disclaimer: The Erin Condren link is a sort of affiliate link. If you follow that link, and order your first planner, I will get a $10 credit. . .which I much appreciate! The Sarah Centrella link is not an affiliate link. I receive nothing if you go buy her book. I just happen to believe in it and want to share it with you.
In the wake of the tragedy in Orlando, what are we to do? Donate blood? I can't. (long story that has to do with Red Cross rules and the amount of time I have spent in sub-Saharan Africa). Post a rainbow on Facebook? Send money? Pray? . . . I am admittedly in an undefined and odd place with my spirituality at the moment; though I must say even at my most fervent, having someone say they would pray for me was never much comfort. Today, I consider said prayers more critically. You are praying? What is your prayer? Who is it to? Are you sure you know that the victims pray to the same god as you? Does it matter? I feel sure that the perpetrator(s) of this attack prayed to that same God and felt perfectly legitimate in his (their) prayers of hate and destruction. . . Just as fundamental Christians pray to that same God to "cure" what they have decided ails myself and others. It seems to me that the hate stems from religion (both Christian and Muslim), Case & point, a picture from my local Pride event last weekend. All of that to say, you'll have to excuse me for not praying. According to recent Facebook posts, that makes me basically akin to the devil. But please don't confuse my lack of praying with a lack of caring. I care very deeply that all of those innocent people were terrorized and gunned down for nothing more than the fact that they happened to be celebrating who they are and honoring the generations of LBTGQ warriors that have come before them, making such events possible. I care very deeply that this could have easily been me & mine. I spent the day at Pride KC just last weekend; where my daughter, my bestie, and other dear friends were present. That. Could. Have. Been. Us. I am not uncaring. I grieve. I find this painful and infuriating. I mourn. What do I have to say? Clearly. Something. I wouldn't go to all the trouble of setting up this site if I didn't have something to say. Right?
I have so much to say that it is almost mind numbing. . .all of these topics floating around in my head and keeping me awake at night. Yet, I am standing here wondering what to type and hoping that inspiration will come. My main focus these days is on reinventing my life. What form will that take? I don't really know. When will it happen. . .hopefully in incremental changes over the next four years. Within that time I hope to change EVERYTHING. Yes, everything about my life. Locale. Profession. Lifestyle. Budget. Carbon Footprint. Eye brows. Yes, Eye brows. It is a funny thing to wake up in a life that you are not sure is your own. To be sure, I made the choices that created the life I am living today. I have to ask, what the fuck was I thinking? I live in the mid-west (land-locked, conservative, humid, mid-west). My career, over the course of a few missteps, has become something I begrudgingly endure. My house is a source of angst like no other. My family. . .ah, my family. . .that's a blog post all it's own. Suffice to say, I am at that place of discomfort that requires reinvention. But the universe has always made me feel a bit like a kid in a candy store with all of the brilliant options out there. I mean, WOW, there is so much. So I have to focus and spend time figuring out not only what I can do to change this life into one that I am more immediately comfortable with; but (more importantly) which changes will lead to a long term future that I will be content with. It's kind of like trying to see around the corner before deciding which way to turn. . .except it's not a four-way stop. It's a roundabout with a zillion different off-ramps. Here we go. |
Jules Warner - AuthorThanks for reading my ramblings. Archives
October 2017
Categories
All
|